Why does fear of failure develop?

You may have noticed that I’m going to come in here next week to talk about attachment, so what is attachment? Attachment refers to the emotional bond or connection that forms between a child and their primary caregiver, typically in the early years of life. This bond plays a crucial role in a child's social and emotional development. It involves feelings of security, trust, and comfort, and it influences how individuals form relationships and regulate their emotions throughout their lives. Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and later expanded upon by Mary Ainsworth, has been influential in understanding the dynamics of these emotional bonds.

As I talked about in my live yesterday, grounding techniques can be helpful for managing stress and anxiety. Here are five tips for grounding: Deep Breathing : Take slow, deep breaths. Inhale for a count of four, hold for four, and exhale for four. Focusing on your breath can help anchor you in the present moment. Mindfulness Meditation : Practice mindfulness by paying attention to your senses. Describe what you see, hear, touch, smell, and taste to connect with your surroundings. Physical Sensations : Engage with your body. Feel the sensation of your feet on the ground, touch objects around you, or even snap a rubber band on your wrist to bring your focus to the present. Grounding Objects : Carry a small object, like a stone or a coin, that you can touch when you need to ground yourself. It serves as a reminder of the present moment. Counting or Repeating Mantras : Count objects in your surroundings, such as the number of chairs in a room. You can also repeat a calming mantra or affirmation to center your thoughts. Experiment with these techniques to find what works best for you in different situations.

Managing emotional triggers is an important skill for maintaining emotional well-being and healthy relationships. Emotional triggers are situations, words, or actions that provoke strong emotional reactions in us, often leading to feelings of anger, frustration, sadness, or anxiety. Here are some steps you can take to manage your emotional triggers: Self-awareness Recognise your triggers: Start by identifying the specific situations or circumstances that tend to trigger strong emotions in you. Keep a journal to track these triggers and the associated emotions. Understand your triggers Dig deeper: Try to understand why certain things trigger you. Are they related to past experiences, fears, insecurities, or unmet needs? Understanding the root causes can help you gain control over your reactions. Mindfulness Practice mindfulness techniques: Mindfulness meditation and deep breathing exercises can help you stay present in the moment, reducing the intensity of emotional reactions. Self-regulation Pause and breathe: When you encounter a trigger, take a moment to pause and take deep breaths. This can help you calm down and gain perspective before reacting. Use positive self-talk Challenge negative thoughts: Replace self-criticism and negative thoughts with more positive and rational ones. This can help you reframe the situation in a more balanced way. Emotion regulation Emotion regulation skills: Learn techniques to regulate your emotions, such as cognitive reappraisal (changing how you think about a situation) and emotion-focused coping (finding healthy ways to manage your emotions). Set boundaries Establish personal boundaries: Communicate your boundaries and limits to others, and assertively express when you feel uncomfortable or triggered by someone's behaviour. Seek support Talk to a therapist or counsellor: Professional help can provide you with strategies to manage your triggers and explore the underlying issues causing them. Conflict resolution Learn conflict resolution skills: Develop effective communication and problem-solving skills to address the issues that trigger you in a constructive manner. Time and distance: Sometimes, it's best to give yourself time and space to cool down before addressing a triggering situation. Practice relaxation techniques: Regularly engage in relaxation exercises such as yoga, progressive muscle relaxation, or guided imagery to reduce overall stress levels. Build resilience: Work on building emotional resilience by developing a support network of friends and loved ones and focusing on self-care. Set realistic expectations: Understand that no one is perfect, and everyone has triggers. Accept that you may have moments of vulnerability and be patient with yourself as you work on managing them. Remember that managing emotional triggers is an ongoing process, and it may take time to see significant improvements. Consistent practice and self-compassion are key to making positive changes in how you respond to your triggers. 

Why don’t I like cheesecake? People are always surprised that I don’t like cheesecake, because generally I love all things sweet! But Cheesecake is the one sweet thing, that I won’t even entertain. When I was about 5 years old, I was forced (I don’t mean physically – I mean pressured by an adult) to eat cheesecake, as part of my school dinner, and school dinners in the 80s, weren’t good! So, I strongly suspect it wasn’t a great representation of cheesecake. (Having never eaten it since, I’m actually not 100% sure). Following the eating of the cheesecake, there was vomiting, by me. And so, developing a trauma response, to cheesecake, to the point that I recently tried it, and felt like I was going to heave, so gave up after one spoonful. And this is just a silly (but true) story about cheesecake, imagine the big stuff, the triggers we have from memories of really difficult life events. Imagine how difficult it can be to have a smell, taste, sound, touch or visual that reminds us of something really difficult, painful, or traumatic. A trigger is a stimuli or situation that evokes strong emotional reactions, often linked to past experiences or emotional sensitivities. I’ll talk more about tips for handling triggers later in the week. 

10 tips to help with stress 1. Be Active Whilst I’m not a massive lover of exercise, it is a really good stress reliever and can really help to reduce some of the emotional intensity you may be feeling and clear your mind. It can really help you to feel calmer and work some of your stress off. 2. Reach out Connecting with people can help you to ease your worries, talking things through with a friend or family member can be a big help in finding solutions to your stress, plus a good network/support system can really help you to feel supported. 3. Self-Care It is really important to take some time for social activities, relaxation, hobbies or exercise. It can be really hard when work, kids and life get in the way, but self-care is really important in reducing stress and keeping you connected with yourself. 4. Set goals Setting yourself goals, whether inside or outside of work can really help you to build up your confidence, which in turn may help with the stress you are experiencing. 5. Avoid unhealthy habits Don’t rely on alcohol, smoking, drugs or caffeine – whilst this may provide temporary relief, in the longer term, they won’t solve your problem, it is best to tackle the cause of your stress instead of avoiding it. 6. Take Control If you feel out of control, then your stress can feel worse, and so the act of taking control can be very empowering and is a really important part of finding a solution. 7. Help others Research has proven that people who help others through volunteering or work in the community often become more resilient. 8. Work smarter Concentrate on the tasks that will make a real difference to you. So I personally are guilty often of choosing the easiest task on my list, this isn’t necessarily the task that is going to make a difference. Prioritise and leave your least important tasks until last. 9. Accept the things you can’t change Changing a difficult situation is not always possible, concentrate on the things you do have control over, and work to process and accept the things you don’t have control over. 10. Positive affirmations Whilst I’m a massive believer that we have to feel the bad as well as the good, I also think it’s important that our inner voice is a positive, supportive one.

How stress impacts your relationship Stress can impact your relationship in many ways: 1. If you bottle your stress up and keep it to yourself, your partner may not understand what you are going through and so not provide support. 2. You may get stuck in a negative cycle of reacting to each-others stress instead of talking properly about it 3. When we are stressed our bodies launch a hormone called cortisol, this can make us irritable, anxious and even paranoid, it can also interfere with communication, by making concentration and remembering difficult, this can lead to arguments and conflicts. 4. When stressed we have less patience with others 5. Stress can lead us to withdraw emotionally, creating a feeling of distance in a relationship and meaning we are not as present for our loved ones Minimising the impact of stress on your relationship 1. Check in with each other and listen, before offering solutions 2. Ask each other what you can do to ease the others stress 3. Be more affectionate, having a cuddle can help you to reconnect and calm each other 4. Stay connected during periods of stress, talk about it and reach out to your partner 5. Self-care, looking after yourself, really helps you to be present and relaxed within your relationship, even if you have other stress impacting. 6. Be kind to each other

In a world of perfect Instagram families, it has become very easy to compare ourselves as parents to other parents, so for me seeing people’s clean houses and clean children, makes me feel like I’m failing somehow. Then there are the constant questions: Am I getting it right? Am I messing my children up? Are they eating enough/too much? Are they happy? Are they hitting whatever milestone? And so on. Then there is the advice from family and friends… “Oh you should be doing this.. or that….” Then there is the weight of expectation, and the Mum guilt and the judgements from others And then add into the mix, actually doing it, sleepless nights, the logistics, financial stuff, the exhaustion, pressure on your relationship, keeping little people alive, safe, happy etc, teaching them to be all the good things and none of the bad things And that’s just the stuff I can think of, of the top of my head, and it’s kind of taboo to talk about how hard it is, so you keep it to yourself, and feel like you’re the only one experiencing this, because all you can see is the perfect Instagram families, and everyone trying to fit that mould. 

Making sure we keep our identities at the same time as being a parent For me, since becoming a Mum, it’s been really important to maintain my identity, and not just get lost in being Esmé and Elodie’s Mummy. And there have been things that have really annoyed me throughout that, such as health visitors and others calling me “Mum” erm…. My name is Lianne…. Becoming a parent is truly amazing, but it’s so vitally important to maintain our sense of self too, you don’t have to choose between being a good parent and maintaining your identity. Our lives revolve so much around our kids, that it becomes important to step away from that too. So I’ve come up with a few tips in keeping our identities: 1. Connect with friends – It’s easy to be isolated as a parent, and even if you make new friends at baby groups, the topic of conversation can often be about kids! Keep in touch with your old friends, who knew you before you were a parent – even if it’s just messages, they will keep you connected with yourself. 2. Establish a child free area – Whether it’s in your home, your garden, your work-place, anywhere really, I think we all need somewhere that is just for us, that isn’t full of toys. Or keeps some mementos around of your old life – remember what you loved to do before you had kids. 3. Self-care – Do things for yourself, if you can get out, have a massage, get your nails done, see a movie, do a class, if getting out is a struggle, read a book, make some art, listen to music, and don’t feel guilty – the washing can wait!! 4. Involve your kids – If you did lots of things before having kids, they don’t all have to stop, get your kids involved. 5. Date night – if you have a partner, don’t forget that parents need time together without the kids, just as much as they need me-time. It’s really important to reconnect with each other from time to time. Organise a date night, if you can’t get childcare, do something special at home.

Staying sane when parenting! I think the honest answer to this is that you can’t always stay 100% balanced when you have children, but the following are a few tips I’ve put together that hopefully will help a bit: 1. Stay in your own lane – As I talked about the other day it’s really easy to compare yourself to other parents, those who seem perfect, definitely aren’t’, and it isn’t a competition, we re all just being the best we can be. 2. Ask for advice, but don’t always take it – Find your own way as a parent, what works for someone else won’t necessarily be what works for you. Whilst it’s good to get the thoughts of others, your family is unique. 3. Accept help – If someone offers to look after your kids for an hour, or help you tidy up, or make you dinner, I’d say literally bite their hand off, needing help doesn’t make you a failure, a support system is vital. 4. Self-care – Looking after yourself is really important in reducing stress and staying balanced. 5. Set your boundaries – Being able to say no, is an important skill, not just to your children, but when you are being stretched too thin and you need to push back.  6. Laugh – Sometimes some of the things you end up doing as a parent are so ridiculous, that it’s important to remember to laugh. Please add anything that's helped you in the comments...

5 tips to help you feel good about yourself  1. Change your self-talk Start to notice what you are saying to yourself, it may surprise you how often you say unkind things, allow yourself to observe these thoughts, and not judge yourself for having them. Ask yourself if a friend was talking to themselves in such a way, what would you say to them? Or ask yourself if you’d speak to anyone else like this? Try and focus on one thing you appreciate about yourself each day, the more you practice this, the easier it will become. 2. Be around people who lift you up Find yourself a beautiful support network, say no to people who are toxic or bring you down, and spend time with those who bring you joy, doing things that bring you joy. Make room for the people an things that make you shine, feel happy and feel whole. 3. Practice gratitude Every morning or evening write down some notes on what you are grateful for, this can be things in your life, or things about yourself, appreciate the qualities that make you uniquely you. This will allow you to start showing up daily to shine some light on your amazing qualities. 4. Embrace your uniqueness Comparing yourself to others won’t make you feel good about yourself, because we are all different, and all on our own journeys, and life isn’t a race. Focus instead on being the person that you want to become, once you define your own version off success, achieving it becomes much easier. 5. Care more about what you think, than about what others think People who insult others, usually do it because they feel insecure within themselves, the best thing you can do is focus on how you feel about yourself and not the opinions of others, ask yourself what is at the heart of wanting to please other people. Learn who to trust, if you want to pay attention to what others think, pick your trusted advisors wisely.

The impact of how we feel about ourselves, on our relationships Our self-image, can really have an impact on our relationships with others. How we feel about ourselves, impacts on how we receive love from others, our self-esteem can also be reflected in our attachment styles and so if you carry insecurities, you can then develop anxious or avoidant attachment styles. It reaches further than this though: Limiting your relationships Because of your low self-esteem you may be willing to put up with behaviours that don’t satisfy you, even though you are aware that you aren’t happy. Combatting this: When you feel better about yourself and have more confidence, your relationships will branch out, you’ll have more friends and a wider support network and so feel less willing to put up with negative relationships. Stretching your boundaries If you have low self-esteem then you may allow people to walk all over you, If you’re not confident enough to assert your boundaries you will struggle to ask for what you want or set limits on what you don’t want. Combatting this: Learning better communication skills, will help you to turn your confidence round, which in turn will allow you to confidently set and keep your boundaries. Difficulty expressing yourself If you struggle to say what you want to say, and speak about your thoughts and feelings, your relationships suffer. Combatting this: Take baby steps, challenge yourself and push forward in being honest about your feelings. Not putting the energy in If you have low self-esteem, you can sometimes be guilty of taking on a victim mentality, this can lead you to not act like an equal in your relationship, or to act like a passive participant and so your energy and passion for your relationship will wane. Combatting this: Sometimes just putting the effort in will help to boost your self-image, becoming aware that your energy has dipped can be the catalyst for change. Lack of Self-Acceptance Low self-esteem comes hand in hand with lack of self-acceptance. If you are unable to accept yourself, it will become difficult to feel accepted by others. Combatting this: Learn to accept your flaws and that perfection isn’t a viable goal, when you let go of this, you can accept yourself as you are. Skewed perceptions What you believe to be true, is often what you perceive. Low self-esteem can skew your perception of the world around you. If you feel bad about yourself, you may believe that others feel the same for example. Combatting this: Learn to take what people say and do at face value, if someone is your friend, lean to believe that they like you The inevitability of drama When you lack self esteem misunderstanding can come up, you may allow people to believe things that aren’t true because you lack the self-esteem to correct them, you may perceive things in a skewed way, this can all lead to hurt feelings and exhausting arguments. Combatting this: By learning to like yourself, you’ll see situations as they are instead of through a lens of low self-worth

Improving your relationship with food Having a good relationship with food isn’t necessarily easy for all of us, and we may have to work on it all our lives in the same way you’d work on any relationship. 1. Understand your relationship with food: Before you can work towards a good relationship, it is important to know the signs of a bad one. It’s not about the quality of your diet, or what you eat, it’s about how and why you choose to eat what you do. Signs of a bad relationship with food include – feeling guilty about eating, avoiding or restricting foods that are “bad” for you, developing rules around food, over-reliance on calorie counting or apps, ignoring hunger cues, stress when eating on social situations, restricting or binging. 2. Identifying a good relationship with food: Unlike animals, humans don’t just eat for survival, we eat for a range of reasons such as joy, culture, tradition, socialisation and fuelling our bodies. When you appreciate food as more than just a fuel source, you can begin to develop a healthier relationship. Signs of a good relationship with food include: · Giving yourself permission to eat the foods you enjoy · Listening to and respecting your body · Eating when you’re hungry and stopping when you’re full · Not obsessing over the scales · Not letting the opinions of others dictate what you eat · Not needing to justify food choices · Understanding that you aren’t defined by what you eat · Enjoying all foods in moderation · Choosing food that makes you feel your best · Not over-focussing on calories 3. Unconditional permission to eat: When you create rules around when you can, and can’t eat, you are setting yourself up for hunger, feelings of deprivation, and fear of food itself, your body deserves food, no matter what the day or situation. 4. Listen to your body: We are all born with a natural ability to regulate hunger, this can start to become lost for a number of reasons, one of which is ignoring our hunger cues (which can start in childhood when our parents made us clear our plates, even though we were full), the closer we can get back to listening to our natural hunger cues, the better we can regulate our appetite and manage food intake.  5. Mindful Eating: Eating in the moment and being fully present in the eating experience. Take time to make gentle observations, such as the taste and texture, how your hunger and fullness cues change and your enjoyment of the food. This can help you to learn the foods you genuinely enjoy and become more in tune with your body, it can also help you to identify the reasons for your food choices.

So this week I’m going to be talking a bit about disordered eating, so firstly, what are eating disorders? There are 5 types of eating disorder defined in the DSM, but there are others, the 5 defined in the DSM are: 1. Anorexia Nervosa Anorexia has the highest mortality rate of all mental illnesses, involves severe food restriction and sometimes extreme exercising or other purging behaviours. Symptoms: Intense fear of weight gain, rapid weight loss, staying underweight, refusal to acknowledge that such a low body weight can be harmful, lack of menstruation, heart conditions. 2. Bulimia Nervosa Bulimia occurs when someone is repeatedly binging on large amounts of food and then purging it (through throwing up, over exercising, using diet pills and laxatives. 3. Muscle Dysmorphia Unlike most eating disorders, this affects men more than women, it is characterised by an obsession with muscles and physique and achieving the perfect physical form. 4. Binge Eating Disorder This is characterised by episodes of binge eating on large amounts of food. (a binge is consuming excessive amounts of food within a 2-hour period) this is accompanied by guilt and shame, and weight gain. 5. Other specified feeding or eating disorder The last one is a bit of a catch all for eating disorders which don’t fit in to any of the other categories There are however several other disorders, which don’t appear in the DSM, these include: Compulsive overeating : Similar to binge eating disorder, but rather than over eating in two hour spurts, they will eat large amounts of food all day long. Orthorexia Nervosa: When someone becomes so obsessed with dieting and health, that is disrupts their life. Selective eating disorder: This disorder is a bit like picky eating but to an extreme, debilitating level, the individual is so selective about their food, that they become ill. 

Parenting is difficult right? Sometimes, I personally get so caught up in being a busy Mum, doing all the things, that I forget to actually be present in the moment with my kids. I’m so stressy when they’re messing around when we’re in a hurry to get somewhere, that I forget to laugh at how funny they actually are. I’m so worried about doing everything I need to do workwise that I forget to enjoy the cuddle they’re giving me or the amazing story they are telling me. As much as it’s a bit shit for my kids that I’m not always present in the moment, forgetting about them for a minute (not that they’d ever let me) it’s also a bit shit for me! According to The Guardian, recent research suggests that parents become happier when their children have left home, which is a really sad statistic isn’t it. So how can we find the joy in raising our kids, instead of it feeling like a chore? I’m no parenting expert, I’m literally just winging it, so I looked at the ideas of some experts to come up with a few suggestions: · Remove parenting from your mindset, and instead see your child as someone relate to, instead of someone to parent, and be curious about them, and find joy in their curiosity about you. · Stop taking millions of pictures (don’t get me wrong, take some) and instead, just be in the moment with your child. · Instead of worrying about your child being ahead or behind, focus on what you’re learning from them, rather than what you’re teaching them. · Don’t be competitive, competitiveness is rooted in insecurity and valuing our children for themselves, instead of in relation to others is vital in terms of appreciating them. · Be more honest with your kids, let them know that you make mistakes too, if you don’t want to do something, tell them why. · Make space for your relationship with your child to grow, by having regular one-to-one time, doing something you both enjoy.

Loneliness In the 21st Century, loneliness is said to be epidemic, and feeling lonely can lead to depression, anxiety, disrupted sleep and stress. In can also factor in many physical illnesses too. A few facts about loneliness from various surveys and studies are: · 16–29-year-olds are twice as likely to experience loneliness than over 70s. · Loneliness increases the likelihood of mortality by 26%. · Loneliness and social isolation have been linked to a 30% increase in the risk of stroke or coronary artery disease. · Loneliness is associated with a 40% increased risk of dementia. · Loneliness and social isolation have been linked with an increased risk of premature death. There are three different types of loneliness: Emotional: The absence of a close attachment or meaningful relationship Social: Lack of a wider social network of friends, neighbours or colleagues. Existential: a universal aspect of the human condition which expresses separateness from others Loneliness can be transient, or it can be situational, or it can be chronic. It can also be characterised by its intensity. Combatting loneliness There is no one way to deal with loneliness, but there are lots of different things that may help. Connection: Catch up with old friends, reach out and take that first step to connect. Or invest some time in making new connections, join a local group or class or look in to volunteering. Or connect online with family and friends or groups that are relevant for you. Support Services: Talk to someone, talking therapies are great, or look into what support is available in your community. Things you can do alone: Plan your week to include hobbies or feel-good activities, spend time outside, this is a great way to boost your mood. Focus on the good things and prioritise looking after yourself. 

I’m not depressed – Do I need counselling? Personally, I think all of us could benefit from some counselling, and depression is certainly one thing that may bring you to the counselling room. In fact, one in five people in the UK have accessed counselling at some point and more than half of us know something that has. So, what else is counselling for? · Learning to love/value yourself – counselling can help to improve your relationship with yourself · Speaking to someone objectively about your problems – Many of my clients talk about how good it is to talk to someone who doesn’t have a personal stake in their world · Navigating life choices – Counselling can help you with weighing up big decisions, and the emotions around them · Expressing yourself in a healthy way – Communication isn’t always an easy skill, counselling can help you to freely express yourself · Learning how to talk about uncomfortable things – Counselling can help you to discuss uncomfortable things and also to really sit with them · Building better relationships – Getting to know yourself better will really improve your relationships with others, counselling will also help you to build trust, transparency and set appropriate boundaries · Identifying patterns – It’s difficult to look at your own decisions and see patterns in them, counselling can help you to identify patterns in your thinking and explain them to you, this will then allow you to notice patterns in your day-to-day life. · Ensuring someone is in your corner – Counselling, unlike any friendship is based on unconditional positive regard. That’s a snapshot, I’m sure there are many more ways in which counselling can help. 

What to expect from your first session

Grief isn’t just when someone dies When you think about the term grief, most likely you associate it with when someone dies, but grief is about loss of any kind. · Break up · Losing a friend · Divorce · Loss of health · A miscarriage · Retirement · Loss of job/financial security · Loss of a perceived future · Your youth · A past you were never given · Loss of your sense of self · A loved one’s serious illness · Loss of safety I’m sure there are many others, grief is not a linear process and there are several phases of grief. Five, according to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, who defined them as: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. These five areas make up the framework in which losses are worked through: Denial: Avoidance, confusion, elation, shock, fear Anger: Frustration, irritation, anxiety Depression: Overwhelmed, helplessness, hostility, flight Bargaining: Struggling to find meaning, reaching out to others, telling your story Acceptance: Exploring options, new plan in place, moving on And these stages can be applied to any kind of grief, for serious grief, they will take longer to work through, and as I said above the process isn’t liner, you maybe move back to previous stages. Some tips to help you whilst you work through your grief are as follows: · Acknowledge your pain, sit with it · Accept that grief can bring with it many different and sometimes unexpected emotions · Understand that your grieving process will be totally unique to you · Seek out support from people who care about you, reach out · Accept that some people feel awkward about grief and don’t let that put you off from reaching out · If you're not able to talk about it, write about it or use other creative methods like art or poetry · Don’t tell yourself or let anyone else tell you how to feel, whatever you’re feeling is ok · Know that it is ok to move forwards, the memory of the person or thing you have lost will always be a part of you